Thursday, August 03, 2006

Just Musing, But... I type this, I'm sure Hannity, Klein, Malkin, et motherfucking al are hunkering down working out ways to discredit, trash, and just plain dyke up Hillary Clinton for having the gall to demand Donald Rumsfeld's presence before the august body of the United States Men's Senate. (And, by the way, looks like she woodshedded his ass.) I can't wait to hear what the Haters have in store for us. (Ann Coulter and her Penis are ahead of the pack, sugesting old Hitlery Clintoon is this close to coming out of the closet and getting busy with Anne Heche.)

...more than ever, but still not so much, I'm summer TV's bitch. (Take me, Project Runway. And I'm not even gay.) The networks dump all the Short-Attention-Span shows on us in the Short-Attention-Span time of year, with good reason, I suppose. But most of the stuff sucks. Heavily and loudly. The endless motherfucking variations on American Idol are the most egregious example, and they keep coming because of the Sundance Rule: every so often, one biggie comes out of the mix. Dancing With the Stars, The Full Monty, you know. Anyway, two of the suckiest are America's Got Talent (about which more later) and So You Think You Can Dance. I cannot tell a lie: I have found myself on occasion watching this bastard child of American Idol. Not because, like AI, it's good TV, heavens no. Two words justify my watching:Natalie Fotopoulous.

Sorry. She's just...yeah. (You'll have to take my word for it, though; Fox is of course controlling the images of the show.)Sorry, y'all. And in the next hour, she'll prolly be voted off the show and out of my life. The stick-like Heidi looks like the winner. And that's all I'll say about that. Anyway, summer TV is good for another reason. Since I was in Urinetown and Fiorello! for much of the winter and spring I missed much prime-time first run TV. And NBC is very kindly re-showing My Name Is Earl and The Office, both of which are better than they have a right to be. Earl is extremely well-contained, carrying the cheerful trailer-trash vibe as far as it can on a network sitcom and still managing to be laugh-out-loud funny, big ups to Ethan Suplee and the almost-miraculous Jamie Pressly, who takes a numbingly familiar sitcom trope, the harridan ex-wife, and still manages to knock every one-liner out of the park. And The Office is even better, a remake of a great BBC series that was a trope-buster of its own, a sitcom treatment of the Christopher Guest documentary-style stuff. The American version (which I wrote off before even seeing it , I'll admit) is the same stuff, but has the grasp of American-bidness ennui. There's more trope-shattering here, too, as all the office types are there, motormouth, Christian, wallflower, Proud Black Man, but thanks to the great cast, led by Steve Carell, they're all minted fresh and new. And The Office also has the best romance on TV, the woulda-shoulda of Jim and Pam, played beautifully by the immensely likable John Krasinski and the adorable Jenna Fischer.Seeing the first episodes this summer, the relationship-that-isn't there is absolutely marvelous to watch. Unfortunately, looks like it's over with the new season.

...Will Ferrell's new one has a typically Will-esque moment, in which Ricky Bobby runs around the track in his underwear and racing helmet, thinking he's on fire. You've seen the commercial. "Help me Jesus," he yells. Then, in the first set of commercials, he yells "Help me Tom Cruise! Use your magical powers" or something like that. A quick familiarity-based laugh. BUT, In the last week or so it's been changed to "Help me Jesus"/edit/"Help me Oprah Winnafree!" Which is still kind of funny, and isn't actually any less funny that "Tom Cruise," but why the change? Did Tom's preternaturally litigious people threaten some sort of action? Did they forget Tom was in a fucking stock-car movie once? Fuck you, Tom Cruise.

America's Got Talent is as lame as it sounds. It's a stupid talent show, with no rules except what the judges, and later on, America via votes, likes and doesn't. So why am I writing about it? Because a friend of mine did her thing on the show and I still can't understand how, or why.

I'll explain. The woman in question is Michelle L'Amour. She's a burlesque dancer. (I dunno what she'd call herself, but if you call her a stripper I'll kick your ass 'cause it ain't like that, Son.) She's an extremely good burlesque dancer, a title winner and really nice girl. She and I did the Fatty Arbuckle show together in the summer of 2004. She came in to the show's second run, and it took about five minutes before me, the writers, and some of the best physical performers in the city were standing, watching slack-jawed as Michelle did her stretching and warming up against a wall. She fit, as they say, right in. Plus she's really nice. (She came to see Urinetown and couldn't have been more complimentary.) Thing is, even though she's not a pole-dancy, let's-have-a-lap-party stripper, her act does involve artistic shedding of clothes to music, and it ain't for kids. I happened on her first performance on NBC about four weeks ago, completely by accident. I looked up and there she was, sitting next to Regis Philbin, poor girl. For her first time out she was doing a hot, naughty Snow White thing. The two male judges loved it, Brandy hated it. Too un-Christian, I guess. She got through to the next round.

Which was last night. She did a KITT-Knight Rider thing to butter up judge David Hasselhoff, but she didn't make it past the second round. What I don't get is why, despite her evident gifts, NBC ever put her on in the first place. Her act is sexy, and not family fare in any way, two things network television hasn't been in eons. So of course, her act is interspersed with shos of kids in the crowd hiding their eyes, and that bitch Brandy clucking her tongue. Shut up, Brandy. Plus, they made her cover her ass with a stupid blue towel or something. What's the point, guys? Cut the arm off a juggler and level the playing field. Make the Rappin' Granny (I told you the show sucks) do her thing with gum in her hair, I don't know. I know Michelle just wanted to get seen, and she did, but what the hell was NBC thinking? Like she was getting anywhere. Bastards. You give me back The Office with one hand, you take my friend's chances away with the other?


At 10:20 PM, Blogger Hairy Carrot said...

Ann Coulter is a crazy bitch. She's got that Charles Manson- Far Away Look in her eyes like she's going to rip your dick off if you don't (and you know you can't) bring her to orgasm. And you know that every right-wing talk show host jerks off to her picture.


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