Friday, July 20, 2007

Nasty, Gnarly Endpieces

Hey! Now it's literal!
Insert your own joke (So far up Bush's ass, Cheney kicking the Pars-dent's ass out of the Oval Office, putting the Dick in Bush's ass, Tony Snow has a Drinking Buddy, etc.), even a joke about inserting. If you like.

Have you seen anyone with an iPhone? iHaven't either. But tomorrow and for weeks to come, we'll see little kids, old adults, and everything in between carrying around a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, just as when the fourth, fifth, and sixth books hit. Just as we saw tons of young girls wearing Mia Hamm No. 9 USA jerseys after the women's World Cup back in 1999, and tons of little kids wearing Spider-Man Halloween costumes in the summer after the first movie came out in 2002. Why is that? Why haven't iPhones become ubiquitous? Oh, I know. They're really frigging expensive. And the battery doesn't come out on its own. And you have to send the whole iFucking thing back at once to get a new battery. And the system on which it runs is both Rinky and Dink. Suck it, at&t!

Looks like the Cubs are making me a liar. Is my ass red. For now. God, I hope it lasts. They're playing really well, and without Ryan Dempster, without Derrek Lee (for a while), and without any kind of consistent offensive presence at catcher. (I think it should be Koyie Hill. You?) I can't drive, so if there's a bandwagon, I'll be jumping on, not driving it. But later. We'll see.

One thing I won't see is the movie version of Underdog, and if you're my age, you may know why. ff the top of my head, I can think of one live-action film adaptation of a cartoon that worked, and that was Josie and the Pussycats, which NOBODY went to see. (And it was based on a comic book first. Those have done a little better, which seeMarvel.) Fat Albert? Sucked. The Fintstones? Sucked rocks. (OK, Jane Krakowski was scorching hot in Viva Rock Vegas, as she is in life. But, sucked.) Rocky and Bullwinkle? Holy shit, did that suck. You see my point, I bet. Live-action adaptations of cartoons suck balls. Big, sweaty ones, too. Literalness robs them of the fun. Using real dogs and CGI-ing the mouths is completely stupd, since real dogs have no emotions that would show up on screen for one stupid thing. And Underdog's characters weren't really even dogs to begin with-just people with people problems made into dogs so little shits like me would find it amusing. (You may surmise I have an unreasonable attachment to Underdog. Yes, my mother made me an Underdog costume when I was a kid because Jeffrey Seiver had a Superman costume and I didn't. What's your fucking point?) (Another thing. Sweet Polly Purebred? Murphy Brown. Totally. Glacially beautiful TV reporter, fond of big hair and jacket-and-skirt combos, with an Irish first name. I always wondered if Diane English was aware.) Peter Dinklage as Simon Bar Sinister is a not-bad choice, but still. Avoid. Wally Cox would never forgive you. And he'd send Brando to kick your ass. Or sit on you.


At 12:58 PM, Blogger Stuart Shea said...

I just found out from Bob this week about the Cox/Brando thing. Amazing.

Thanks for bringing Jeffrey Seiver into the conversation, btw.


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