One More Asshole in Heaven

(with apologies to Tim Rice)

And no apologies, at all, to the memory of Jesse Helms, the now-thank-God-he's-DEAD former senator and all-time fuck-knuckle from North Carolina.

Yeah, it's one of those posts. I'll keep it short, because time sepnt writing about Jesse Helms (R-Acist) is time better spent masturbating or playing with my cat or telling you to go see Woody Guthrie's American Song at Victory Gardens Theatre Greenhouse. Go.

Helms was a conservative Republican in every sense of the word. Bully for him. I have no problem with conservatives or Republicans, because politics stops at the water's edge and our differences make us who and what we are and blah blah blah. Helms was that extra-special right-winger, the kind who hated blacks, and gays, and furriners, and was put by Newt Fucking Gingrich into a position where he caould do someething about all that shit, as Chair of the Senate Foreign relations Committee. As a committee Chair and a senior Senator he wielded a lot of foreign and domestic power so much got done or not done on his say-so. I'll leave it to better bloggers to give you a laundry list of his accomplishments (but my guess is his laundry list would normally read something like "Pick up sheets from dry cleaning. Wear to meeting tonight."). Suffice to say that President Fuckhead gave exactly the kind of condolence speech you'd think he would, with the kicker being that bullshit line about Helms running for election into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Aw helllls naw, motherfucker. See, Heaven is a place where I want my Dad to go. And his wife. And my Mom, if she's down. And the rest of my family. And all those I love for whom faith matters. Not for assholes like Helms.

Get that last part? Not for assholes like Jesse Helms. Not for the likes of the kind of dickhead who once cornered Carol Moseley Braun on an elevator and told Orrin Hatch he was going to make her cry by singing 'Dixie' to her. (To which she reportedly fired back, "You'd make me cry no matter what you sang, Senator." Hells yeah!) That whole thing about speaking ill of the dead, and respect and all that?

GWTW, my friends. Jesse Helms reaps what he sowed. Let the brickbats fly.