Post God-Damned Mortem, God Damn It

So how bad was it?

Not bad, if "utter failure" is your bar. (Just so you know, I'm talking about this piece of crap and not this one. That's tonight.) Otherwise, bad. Like Cozy Cole BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.

So how bad was it?

I heard that Ron Santo accidentally killed a guy when he took off one of his legs and threw it down toward the Cubs' dugout in frustration.


I heard that 14 different MLB-accredited documentary film crews packed up and went home, throwing their credits at the door of the Cubs' Media Relations department, weeping and saying through their tears, "What the fuck was that? You promised us MAGIC!!!"

I heard that even Chris Crocker won't defend the Cubs online today.

Hi-yooooooh.

Seriouslike, I know it's just one game, but it's a five-game series and not seven, and if this is the offense for the week, it's fucking over. Three out of five is no barometer for a team's rate of success over a 162-game season, but that's the way it is, and we saw this offense go into a week-long funk a couple of times this year, just like every team. But every team didn't make the playoffs and have the best offense in the national League, God damn it, and this one did, so they can't fucking bail this fucking WEEK.

Because now, as we know, the pitchers are scared. I'll get to Dumpster in a minute. (h/t to the rotting, stiinking, bloated carcass of Jay Mariotti's career) But after Dempster, Marshall came in and started nibbling at the corners, and walked guys and gave up home runs. Samardzija too. Blah blah blah. Pitching from some place of fear and despair and I don't know what instead of just being able to get that third out. I railed for years about the Cubs' problem being their inability to take a pitch on offense to draw a walk and thus put men on bast to score runs. This year that hasn't been a big problem, due in large measure to Fukudome's early-season left-handed plate patience, which rubbed off, which may be why Piniella's keeping him in. (Gaetti-Salazar-style loyalty is another Cubs'-brand trait that needs to be stopped soonest, but that's another post, I guess.)

This year it's been that third out. I don't know how many runs were scored off of Cubs pitchers with two outs, but I'd guess a whole lot more than should have been scored. Scientific, I know. But how many outs and how many strikes on Loney? You know, fuck. Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux gave up homers in Wrigley Field, everyone does, but they didn't walk guys in the playoffs like Dempster did to give up grand slams.

Oh. Wait.

And he pitched the 9th against the Cubs last night, right? And threw a perfect inning against the Cubs' offense? Fuck me.

So how bad was it?