Sunday, April 30, 2006

Charmed, I'm sure,...D'Brickashaw.

The NFL Draft, aka The Thing ESPN Apparently Whacks Off To, has given us another great name in the Wonderful Monds, Jr. and I.M. Hipp sweepstakes. Meet Mr. Ferguson. But you can just call him D'Brickashaw.

D'Brickashaw Ferguson was drafted by the New York Jets in the first round, in the 4th spot. He's a left tackle from the University of Virginia. None of which matters, because his name is D'Brickashaw!!!! It rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?
Great name. (Apparently, he was named after the pantywaist Father DeBricassard in the novel The Thorn Birds.) And now he's going to be rich!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!! D'BRICKASHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ahem. Thank you.

PS If I don't post in the next week or so it's because I'm hiding in fear from the onslaught of batshit crazy I know is coming this week, because Tom Cruise has a movie coming out on Friday. Seek shelter for all those who are precious to you.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Just Musing, But...

..holy crap, I think I've heard Michael McDonald's voice on two different commercials in the past week. Did his new agent unfreeze him from carbonite? And why? Dear Buddha, Jesus, and Allison Janney, why?

...I wouldn't fuck Ann Coulter with Ann Coulter's dick.

...I see where the President decided to ease standards on oil companies to facilitate more oil production, thereby easing dependence on oil in the future. So prices will go down, right? Right?
Assholes. Trickle this down, bitches.

...Omigod, it looks like Barry Bonds might have taken drugs! Why, I never saw that coming! I can't believe these knee-jerk jock sniffing sportswriters and columnists venting their outrage at how shocked, shocked they are now that the evidence is seemingly incontrovertible. (Read Tom Verducci's diatribes at and you'll get an idea of what I'm on about.) I'm sure that some of these blowholes were venting before the book broke, but it's so much easier to scream when the lights are on and the work is done for you, isn't it? Assuming the book is true (which also means we have to assume Jose Canseco wasn't just whistling "Russlan and Ludmilla" out of his ass in his own book), they're still trying to sell books. They're obviously focusing on Bonds, which, fine, but what about the pitchers he faced. man? What about the pitchers? Isn't Roger Clemens about 50? Sure, he keeps his arm strong by masturbating in a barrel of rice and eating with his feet, but maybe he and lots of other pitchers are on performance-enhancers too? Do we hear that shit brought up by the sniffers? Nope. What we get is a hunt for a surly black man and the hubris of a Latino slaphead who are the first targets to get all shot up. What a surprise reaction from the media.

My reaction to this is twofold: I'm in favor of legalizing drugs so I don't care if Bonds is on Cream or Clear or Orange Ripple. Here's the argument I bore people with every time: Is there anyone out there who doesn't think Babe Ruthg was drinking from a custom-made Steuben glass bowl of beer and whiskey before, during, and after every game during Prohibition? Don't unfurl the "booze didn't give him an unfair advantage" until you address the banned subsatnces question. Yes, it was banned, wasn't it, the alcohol? Demon Rum and all that. Which leads me to number two: The whole unfair advantage thing. Barry Bonds already has an unfair advantage. He's better than everybody else. So why would he shoot up and rub down? I don't fucking know. I guess the ego that makes him so ridiculously good forced him to want to top Mark "Duty Now for the Future" McGwire and Sammy "Money, adoration, alienation, los!!!" Sosa. The good news is he's just about done, so we'll never stop seeing the footage of those two assholes who jumped on the field when Hank Aaron hit his 715th homer.

Talk about disrespect. Not just the assholes, but the editors who insist on leaving the assholes in every time that footage is shown. Racism or just a nauseating idea that we, the viewer, need to feel justified for wanting to be part of the show? Haaaate.