Monday, July 30, 2007

Have a Colortini? an Aqvavit? A Ballpark Beer?

Or how about one of each?

The famous, they do die in threes, do they not?

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Just Musing, But...

Could the "producers" (or "writers") of this no-doubt-steaming pile of shit have conspired to perhaps name the movie something that, I don't know, doesn't rhyme with a gay slur? I'm actually surprised they didn't call it I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Shlomo. Or Chuck and Daggett. Chuck and Mutt-pirate? Or why not just go all the way and call it I Wanna Bury My Face In Jessica Biel's Ass?

Can we get a consensus on how to pronounce the new Chicago Fire striker's name? I heard "Kwaddemo," "Hwataymo," "Kwaddemock," and "Wattomo." (His name is Cuauhtemoc Blanco, and I for one just hope they say "Blanco.")

Friday, July 20, 2007

Nasty, Gnarly Endpieces

Hey! Now it's literal!
Insert your own joke (So far up Bush's ass, Cheney kicking the Pars-dent's ass out of the Oval Office, putting the Dick in Bush's ass, Tony Snow has a Drinking Buddy, etc.), even a joke about inserting. If you like.

Have you seen anyone with an iPhone? iHaven't either. But tomorrow and for weeks to come, we'll see little kids, old adults, and everything in between carrying around a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, just as when the fourth, fifth, and sixth books hit. Just as we saw tons of young girls wearing Mia Hamm No. 9 USA jerseys after the women's World Cup back in 1999, and tons of little kids wearing Spider-Man Halloween costumes in the summer after the first movie came out in 2002. Why is that? Why haven't iPhones become ubiquitous? Oh, I know. They're really frigging expensive. And the battery doesn't come out on its own. And you have to send the whole iFucking thing back at once to get a new battery. And the system on which it runs is both Rinky and Dink. Suck it, at&t!

Looks like the Cubs are making me a liar. Is my ass red. For now. God, I hope it lasts. They're playing really well, and without Ryan Dempster, without Derrek Lee (for a while), and without any kind of consistent offensive presence at catcher. (I think it should be Koyie Hill. You?) I can't drive, so if there's a bandwagon, I'll be jumping on, not driving it. But later. We'll see.

One thing I won't see is the movie version of Underdog, and if you're my age, you may know why. ff the top of my head, I can think of one live-action film adaptation of a cartoon that worked, and that was Josie and the Pussycats, which NOBODY went to see. (And it was based on a comic book first. Those have done a little better, which seeMarvel.) Fat Albert? Sucked. The Fintstones? Sucked rocks. (OK, Jane Krakowski was scorching hot in Viva Rock Vegas, as she is in life. But, sucked.) Rocky and Bullwinkle? Holy shit, did that suck. You see my point, I bet. Live-action adaptations of cartoons suck balls. Big, sweaty ones, too. Literalness robs them of the fun. Using real dogs and CGI-ing the mouths is completely stupd, since real dogs have no emotions that would show up on screen for one stupid thing. And Underdog's characters weren't really even dogs to begin with-just people with people problems made into dogs so little shits like me would find it amusing. (You may surmise I have an unreasonable attachment to Underdog. Yes, my mother made me an Underdog costume when I was a kid because Jeffrey Seiver had a Superman costume and I didn't. What's your fucking point?) (Another thing. Sweet Polly Purebred? Murphy Brown. Totally. Glacially beautiful TV reporter, fond of big hair and jacket-and-skirt combos, with an Irish first name. I always wondered if Diane English was aware.) Peter Dinklage as Simon Bar Sinister is a not-bad choice, but still. Avoid. Wally Cox would never forgive you. And he'd send Brando to kick your ass. Or sit on you.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

So Glad to See You Here; Carry On

Welcome to the Cubs, Jason Kendall. Glad you're glad to be with us.
This afternoon, will you please bring your game with you?

That is all.
Carry on.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Get Up With the Get Down

Just adding my piddling two cents' worth of opinion to my comrades of Left Blogistan.

If the GOP minority wants to stall every piece of legislation the Democrats want to bring up this session, then let them get up, stand up, stand up for the Right and filibuster. No more cloture-vote bullshit. Make Trent Lott talk for seven hours about Oscar trivia. Force Mitch McConnell to break out the recipe books. Fuck 'em if they want to paint Democrats as a do-nothing majority. Let the peeples see how utterly unprincipled the GOP has become. Maybe when Pete Domenici has to talk for eight hours about baseball scores, the peeples will see what's going on and think "Oh. I get it. They're assholes." (Of course, FOX "News" will paint them as heroes, but we already know that FOX is a bunch of assholes.)

Harry Reid: Do your job. Make the Republicans get up with the get down.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Larry Bird Johnson Dead at 94

Swear to Ford, every time I read her obituary headline that's what I see. No disrespect intended. She was a fantastic basketball talent.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Thank You, President Fuckhead

As usual, Stephen Sondheim gets it better than anyone else could:

You forgot about the country
So it's now forgotten you.

--from Assassins

This motherfucker can't leave office soon enough. He has ceased to be my president.
I never thought I could possibly say that. The respect I have for the office has finally been subsumed by the profound disrespect I feel for the Empty Suit-in-Chief who occupies it anad weakens us by his very presence.


Oh, for Christ's sake.

I swear to fuck, if there isn't oversight on every single fucking angle of this, meaning depositions, hearings, threats, withholding of funds, in short, IF THE DEMOCRATS LET THESE FUCKERS LEAVE OFFICE WITHOUT THE TRUTH COMING OUT FOR ALL FUCKING TIME, THEN WE NEED TO BURN THE FUCKING CITY OF WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, THE FUCK DOWN.

Absolutely nobody won here. Except maybe Scooter Libby's family. And Karl Rove, that pasty-ass motherfucker. And Cock Cheney. What the fuck is wrong with this man?


And any Democrat who thinks that waving his or her arms in the air and platitudinizing is going to get the job done needs to put their passport down and walk home, and apologize to their base and let the GODDAMNED DOGCATCHER fill out their fucking term in office.

Oversight. Or death. Tick-tock, motherfuckers.