Monday, September 15, 2008

Fun With Real Comcast Headlines

Palin spells out her role in McCain administration
GOLDEN, Col. - Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin was eager to spell out, for assembled reporters, her role in John McCain's administration .

"It's spelt H-E-R-O-I-N, and never, eeeever do it, 'kay keeids?" The junior governor of a state with less people than Nashville said.

When informed by a handler that she had been asked to figuratively spell out "her role," the MILFy pol beamed and said, "Mmmm. 'Kay then. Byeeeee!" And was whisked away to a waiting SUV.

No further questions were even contemplated by the press.

George Takei marries longtime partner Brad Altman

(via AP)LOS ANGELES — George Takei and his longtime partner, Brad Altman, have agreed to live long and prosper together.
Takei, 71, and Altman, 54, were married Sunday in a multicultural ceremony at the Japanese American National Museum that featured a Buddhist priest, Native American wedding bands, a Japanese Koto harp and a bagpipe procession.
The couple, both clad in white dinner jackets with black pants, made a grand entrance to the tune of "One Singular Sensation" from the Broadway musical "A Chorus Line." They stepped into a circle of yellow roses and lilies, where they shared a traditional Japanese tea ceremony and were wed by a Buddhist priest.
The priest then pronounced them "spouses for life." A bagpiper played as the newlyweds walked out, followed by friends, family and a few members of the press.
The "Star Trek" star and his manager plan to honeymoon in Argentina and Peru.
A spokesmen for the couple confirmed the ceremony was indeed "the gayest thing since Oscar Wilde fucked the cast of La Cage Aux Folles up the ass while wearing a Balenciaga spring frock."

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Jestadt to Erstad

Oh hells yeah.

Almost to the day since Milt Pappas lost a perfect game by that much, but still threw a no-hitter, getting Padre legend Jerry Jestadt to pop up after the walk that killed the perfecto, and almost to the day after Frank Castillo took a no-no two outs into the ninth at Wrigley field only to lose it to a triple by Bernard Gilkey, Carlos Zambrano put a stamp on the Cubs' season by striking out Darrin Erstad and throwing a no-hitter. Against the Astros. In Milwaukee.

The Cubs' lead in the division is 7.5 as of tonight, and I think it's safe to say it's over there. Because the Cubs played like ass the past two weeks, but the Brewers weren't much better, and made up no ground. And so they found themselves rooting for the Cubs to beat the Astros, who are creeping up on the Brewers in the Wild Card.

The game was in Milwaukee, because of complications with Hurricane Ike. It still must have sucked for Brewers fans to see their team lose in Philly and then have to watch Carlos do what he did tonight, in their house.

Hell yes, monkeyfingers. Game on...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Dear Fellow Democrats

Three words:

Carry on.

(go Cubs)

Sunday, September 07, 2008

boo-yah. who's your, um, daddy.

Sorry to be all sportsy and all lately, but I notice the two NFL games I'm being "treated" to today have four teams with a combined win total of 16 from last year. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but is this a colluded atempt to get people to buy those digital "see it all" packages? Oh, Insufferable Jimmy Kimmel, how we hate thee.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

I Got Your Open Letter Right Here

Dear ESPN,

Your website sucks my ass.

Someone who thinks your website sucks his ass

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

It's a Shame

For it's root, root root for the home team,
If they don't win...

The best thing I can find to say about this clusterfuck of missed opportunities is they'd better be getting this shit out of their systems now, like the Sox did in a somewhat similar situation.

Because, otherwise, what the fuck? I hate to sound like Ron Albertson, but are the Cubs all of a sudden looking at their record and thinking September is Senior Skip Day? They can fucking play hooky and no one will notice because they're that far ahead?

Because they're not. They should be. But they're fucking not. Especially when they play like it's 2006 again, DERREK LEE, with the fucking 2-pitch at-bat after Brocail FUCKING WALKS THE BASES FULL. GOD DAMN IT.

No, no, fuck that "hottest team in the NL" Astros bullshit. The Cubs are supposed to be the best team in the National League and they lose four in a row at home? Kiss my fat ass.

And one more thing.

Fuck you, Bobby Howry.